Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personal Ads
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish: 49
Adventurer: Slept with all your friends
Athletic: No breasts
Average: looking Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Contagious Smile: Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated: Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Feminist: Fat ballbuster
Free Spirit: Junkie
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Good Listener: Borderline Autistic
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate: Sloppy drunk
Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional: Certified Bitch
Redhead: Bad dye-job
Reubenesque: Grossly Fat
Romantic: Looks better by candle light
Social: Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous: Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height: Hugely Fat - as tall as you are wide
Wants Soulmate: Stalker
Widow: Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart: Old bat
MEN'S ADS
40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated: Will patronize you all the time
Free Spirit: Banging! your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking: Arrogant
Very good looking: Dumb as a board
Honest: Pathological Liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama's boy
Mature: Older than your father
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit: Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet: Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive: Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive: Gay
Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful: Says "Excuse me" when he farts
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