Welcome to Hurricane Season
Floridians or those who know a Floridian.....
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
you're
going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar
blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological
points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new
to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for
the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family
for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Maine and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your
home
meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Maine.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that
might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
prefer
not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required
to
pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
your
house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium,
Bob
and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all
the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well,
once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very
easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that
you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle
in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives
in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane
approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters,
patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw
these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you
should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should
have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live
in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid
being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped
in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred
thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need
a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you
wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,
it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning
on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who
aren't here yet you should come. Really!
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